I never write letters to the editor of a publication. For whatever reason, I’m never quite moved enough to make the effort. Sure, I’ll rant a bit or make the long haul up to my soapbox just to release some frustration:
“Wait, this guy gets published and I can’t?”
Or..
“Who told her this was a good argument?”
And, then I’ll happily go back to my day. But, today I was compelled to respond to the editor after reading this “article” – and I use the term loosely – on the Broad Street Review.
The article is titled Male Sex Abuse and Female Naivete.
I really suggest you read it. It’s funny. Funny in the way that “wait, do people STILL think like this?”
Below is my response (Sorry for the ridiculous length, but I had a lot to say…):
After reading this article, I’m so disheartened – and livid – by the thoughts expressed here that I’m almost speechless.
Almost.
Mr. Rottenberg, I find your article not only extremely offensive, patronizing (to both men and women) but also quite frankly irresponsible.
I have to applaud you for your ability to consolidate this litany of chauvinistic beliefs into one article. Up until today I’ve never seen a cluster of such misinformed, ignorant anti-woman thoughts piled in to one piece as seamlessly as you have provided.
Because I find so much to cover, I will respond to your article point by point. Granted, it’s difficult to logically dissect an illogical argument, but, nevertheless, I’ll attempt to do so.
You start by summarizing Ms. SaraKay Smullens’ recent essay on the wide-spread occurrence of sexual abuses and injustices women still must battle against today. I’m disappointed that her article, both chilling and insightful, had to be followed up with your backwards thinking jargon. To quote Smullens: “Violent, sadistic men behave the way do because they can.”
And the reason they can is because of the victim blaming and shame inducing culture we live in – something that was made startlingly obvious by your article.
To start, this might be a leap, but last I’ve checked, most men are perfectly capable of having female friends. It’s awfully patronizing and offensive for you to make the “argument” that “women shouldn’t trust their male friends.” This is assuming that all men are ill-intentioned, uncontrollable, violent aggressors that are ready to jump a woman at the first opportunity that presents itself. If this is your experience with men, then maybe you need to find a better social circle.
“Don’t go to a man’s home…unless you’re prepared to have sex with him.”
“Don’t disrobe in front of a male masseur.”
“Don’t be shocked if your male customers think you’re a prostitute [if you take a job as a masseuse].”
“If you want to be taken seriously as a journalist, don’t…emphasize your cleavage [in social settings, because she obviously doesn’t dress this way at work].”
Would you ask a male journalist – outside of work – to not pose for pictures during the summer without a shirt? Would you give the advice to your male friends, “Hey, man, listen, I don’t think going to her apartment is a good idea. I mean, what will other people think?” Would you call a male masseur a prostitute? No. Would you make excuses for people who shared these sentiments with others? My guess would also be No. Whatever Lara Logan chooses to wear – or any woman for that matter – is NOT an invitation for assault, disrespect or invasion of personal rights. It’s irresponsible for you to make the claim that women need to adjust their lifestyles to suit archaic and barbaric beliefs that women invite violent behavior. Next time you disrobe to your swim trunks or walk in your backyard only wearing pants, think how violated you would feel having a random person grabbing your crotch or making sexual, inappropriate comments meant only to embarrass you.
Your “Two women on my block” argument really isn’t worth refuting. It was an attempt to pit “good girl” imagery against that of the “bad girl.” It’s been done, repeatedly. Society wants women to feel that they are either the pure virgin or the tainted vixen. If you’re the virgin, you’ll be happy: you get the marriage, the man, the family, you are the happy woman. If you’re the vixen, you probably end up sleeping with a married man, wind up lonely and loveless and women will shun you and men will use you. Life is thankfully not a Lifetime movie, Mr. Rottenberg. Women – like men – are not all or nothing of any one thing. We are a composite of everything. We are human. And humanity is never just black and white. It is the gradation of our shades that makes us beautiful.
Also, maybe “Sarah” should’ve simply locked her front door. I suspect that would’ve taken care of her pesky burglary problem.
As long as ignorant, vile, and chauvinistic mores continue to dictate our society, women will never experience true respect or equality. It’s not up to women to “cover up” or “act demurely conservative” or bow to the dictates of a social structure meant to repress. It’s not up to US to fit YOUR idea of how a women SHOULD act. It’s up to all of us – men and women – to recognize basic human rights must be applied to everyone. Bad behavior needs to be met with consequences. Blaming the victim needs to stop and aggressors need to be held accountable. Respect, Mr. Rottenberg, goes a very long way. I hope that you respect your mother, your daughters, your wife, or any female friends you may have – those that still trust you that is – to not share with them this poor excuse of an editorial.
….And so that was that. I went on what I like to call a “Julia Sugarbaker Schpeal” for all you Designing Women fans out there. Find something that you’re passionate about and take a stand. Change only happens when we open our minds to the potential, our hearts to others’ feelings and our mouths to voice our hopes, our fears, and our thirst for a better tomorrow.
JRB xoxo
Despite my possible lapse in judgement, there is something undeniably raw and intriguing about people veiling themselves in complete anonymity hoping to find that person with whom they shared that brief moment of connection. The thought can even be a little romantic: someone pining over a person they rationally know will never cross their path again unless they make one last effort – against all odds – to find them.
But, unfortunately, for someone as noncommittal as myself, I’ve already lost interest in the online dating world. It happened somewhere between the puke wars confession and filling out my own “about me” section.
It’s hard to beleive that another year has passed and its already a new decade! 2009 was definitely a learning experience for me. Some of it was hard, but some of it was remarkably wonderful. Last year, I lost a few very important people that I still think about and miss every day. I also lost some not so important people that I realized my life has become better for not having them in it. But I’ve also made some amazing friends, and realized those who are most important to me. I’ve been hired, laid off, out of a job, with a job, out of a job again. I’ve submitted some of my writings to different places; some told me I’m great, others not so much. I went through makeups and breakups and some of the strangest dates I’d ever been on in my life! Not to mention, that most recent diet that caused me to gain 10 pounds. And yet through all of this craziness and constant change I realized I wouldn’t change a thing.
